In the distance I can hear whirring and clanking. I try to open my eyes, but the stark light makes them sting and I immediately close my eyes again. My head is throbbing, and the noise is intruding into my brain like daggers. I can feel myself moving through a brightly lit tunnel, but I cannot work out where I am.
The clanking stops and I can feel myself being wheeled on a trolley. My head still hurts too much to open my eyes, so I try to listen intently to what is going on. I concentrate as hard as I can, but my mind is drifting. I can hear small snippets of conversation, including the words, serious collision, critical injuries and head trauma.
Questions start firing into my mind like a series of fireworks going off in my head. Are they talking about me? Have I had a car accident? Am I in hospital? How did I get here?
I must focus. I need to remember what happened. Focus Alex, Focus!
A memory comes into my head. I am driving a car. It is raining heavily. The windscreen wipers are on full and I am almost hypnotised by their constant swishing back and forth. I look across into the passenger seat and see my daughter Maisie. She has a look of anguish on her face, beads of sweat form a line on her wrinkled forehead and she is blowing out long breaths through her mouth.
“Mum, we’re not going to make it in time” she shrieks through gritted teeth.
“We will sweetheart, we’re almost there. This baby is not going to arrive on the front seat of my car”
She smiles briefly, before the pain takes over again. She gasps several times before relaxing again.
We pull into the car park of the maternity unit and I see a midwife waiting at the entrance, alongside Jack, Maisie’s husband who looks anxious, but smiles and waves as we stop just in front of them. The midwife helps Maisie into a wheelchair.
“I’ll be straight back as soon as I park the car” I promise her
“Hurry mum! I need you! Love you!”
The image disappears from my mind, as quickly as it came. I am aware of bleeping sounds and voices around me, but I cannot get my mind to focus on what is happening.
As my mind drifts away again, I see another image. I am in the back of a car, no, a limousine. It is a beautiful Spring day. I am holding hands with the people on either side of me. Maisie is to my left. She is smiling at me. She looks so serene and happy. I feel my heart overflowing with joy.
“Dad would be so proud” I say to her, swallowing hard to stop myself from crying.
“Don’t mum, you’ll make me cry! It took hours to do this make-up” she replies laughing.
I smile at her and look to my right, I see Simon, my partner. He is greying at the temples and has laughter lines around his eyes, but he is as handsome as the day I first met him. He rubs the back of my hand with his thumb, unseen by others but something that over the years has become a familiar reassuring gesture.
“Thank you for asking me to give you away” He says to Maisie “I know I’ll never take your dad’s place, but I’m so proud of you too”
“You’ve been amazing Simon. You are the best thing that ever happened to mum. We’d never have got through everything without you”
I feel so warm and loved, but then another picture comes into my mind. I am sitting in the front passenger seat of the car. It is a hot summers day and I can feel my face sweating. I pull down the visor to check my make-up in the vanity mirror, subconsciously touching the deep scar that runs down my face all the way from my left eyebrow down to my jawline. I can’t see it in the mirror as Sally, my best friend, did an amazing job of covering it today.
Simon reaches across from the passenger seat and rubs the back of my hand with his thumb. I look down and see the invitation to Maisie’s graduation in my hand.
“You look beautiful” He says “You always do. I love you”
I can feel my eyes started to fill with tears and I blink them away. My head is filled with a new vision now. I am driving down a country lane. It is dark and it’s starting to snow. I hate driving in the snow, and I can feel my hands gripping the steering wheel. My teeth are clenched so hard it is making my jaw ache.
I pull into the car park of the restaurant and breathe a sigh of relief. As I park up, I quickly check my reflection in the rear-view mirror. “Not too shabby” I say to myself. My hand reaches to touch the scar on my face and then I stop myself. He knows I have a scar. This might be a first date, but I’ve known Simon for a long time. He was my husband’s best friend. Since Jason died, Simon has been a rock.
I reach into my handbag and pull out a small bottle of perfume. I give myself a quick spritz and check my lipstick in the mirror. I’m feeling excited, butterflies fluttering gently in my tummy. I hope that dating does not jeopardise our friendship, but in my heart, I know that we are already so much more than friends. I open the door and step out onto the snow.
The thought fades from my mind and is immediately replaced with a feeling of sadness. Another memory is forming in my mind. I am sitting in the back of a black car, Maisie once again holding my hand. She looks up at me from behind her long fringe. She has dark rings under her eyes. She is crying. Her nose is running, and she asks me for a tissue.
I reach into my jacket pocket to get her a tissue. I see that I am wearing a black dress and jacket. I wonder why I am wearing such formal attire. We pull up to a stop and a smart gentleman in a top hat and morning coat holds open the door for me. I see the hearse in front of our vehicle. The coffin is topped with flowers and a wreath spelling out the words “Dad”.
Simon is now stood by the open door and Maisie links her arm through his. He smiles down at her and says, “Your dad will always be here watching over you”. He looks at me with a reassuring smile and I am relieved that he is here to support us, even though he has just lost his best friend.
The memory fades and I can hear myself gasping for breath. The tears come quickly now, warming my face as they make their way down my cheeks.
“Alex, Alex” says a voice “Are you with us? You’ve been in a car accident. We’re just doing some tests. Try to keep still and calm. We’re giving you something to help you sleep.
I slow my breathing and try to think back to what had happened, but I just cannot go back in my mind. Why can’t I remember what happened? Why can I remember all those other things? I realise that my mind is drifting and I’m falling asleep.
I have no idea how long I have been out of it, but when I wake up my head is no longer throbbing. I can feel a hand holding mine, a thumb slowly rubbing the back of my hand. I open my eyes and see Simon, my husband’s best friend. He has a sombre look on his face.
“What’s happening?” I ask, “Where’s Jason, where’s Maisie”
“Don’t you remember anything?” asks Simon
I shake my head, struggling to hold back the tears.
“I’m so sorry” says Simon, “You were in a car accident three days ago. Maisie is fine, just a few cuts and bruises. Jason is not in a good way though, he’s in intensive care. His parents are with him.”
I start to sob. “I don’t remember any of this. Why can’t I remember”
“Shush” Simon says in a reassuring voice “You’ve been through a terrible ordeal. I am here for you all, whatever happens. It will all be okay, I promise”
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