Notes in the Past

Do you still remember my gaze at the beginning of the semester? A cheerful-faced woman with eye-catching, narrow-eyed cheeks with wave hair who often says that I am a fickle man. That's how you debunk my personality when we don't get to know each other more closely.

Tell me how to refuse your love in the past? Your presence in the lecture classroom left me with a dilemma throughout my days after interpreting our first gaze. At that time, I had a lot of courage to be able to get your WhatsApp contacts. Sitting behind me on a unique chair. Then selfishly you want to avoid because of my careless attitude.

Through one of the social networks, we get acquainted with each other. Tell a lot of things. Surprisingly you came up with a myriad of stories that still vividly adorn your life with your old lover in those days. I never cared about that. No matter how happy you were in the past before I existed, I will stay on my ego. It seems to have been planned by the Almighty.

In Rosmalen's room I met you. You won't be able to recognize me if I don't say hello to you first. You gasped in shock. You regret it and give me a cynical smile. That cynical smile I can't forget. Sometimes I ask when you will smile for me without any doubt? The woman I had longed for was now in front of me. A sweet face with black skin tone, your hair is bushy black, your eyes show off their beauty. Of course it attracts attention.

Slowly we give each other news on social media. Without hesitation, you boldly asked about my life at that time. My heart skipped a beat when I heard that. You also need to know, my longing for your figure has been almost 5 years. There were many women who approached me, but not once did they manage to make me fall in love. To make matters worse, there are women who are sticky like magnets with me. Still I'm not interested. It's really hard for me to fall in love. But, at the beginning of that semester love had come to me unplanned. It's true, our status is still best friend, but It's so anxious to feel like I'm holding you and saying "I've loved you since the first time our eyes stared at each other". But I need to put myself in good shape. You still have a life of your own. I have no right to tarnish your happiness.

My hatred and love are somewhere between the road to heaven and hell. I love seeing you smile because of my silly act. But, I hate seeing your warm intimate posts with men I don't really like being around you. If you knew how this feeling of hate and happiness as a souvenir you presented would have made me weak helpless to wait.

Once we joked and laughed cheerfully in a city park near the Manggarai Regent's Office, there were not a few questions you asked that made me unethical to answer. "Who is your boyfriend? Where did it come from? How long have you guys been dating? To be honest it seems to me to be a silly question. Unfortunately you never knew that I was waiting for you. Strange. With all sorts of questions you made me think if you were a good fit to be a journalist. Like to wonder.

It's not that I don't want to date. You need to know, before meeting you at that time I couldn't get to know what real love is. For me, love never existed. It's so hard to find it. But, I also know that it is not an easy thing to be able to find love like my love for you. The reality is I always fail at making love. A lot of people who stalk me stupid men because they're picky women. Without them knowing that I was trying hard to find a female figure who didn't love me, but I alone would make her love me.

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At that time I myself couldn't tell which was love and which was hate. Because, you have always treated me as a defendant who is constantly being blamed. Retreat Wrong, forward is also wrong. Though every day you give me a little smile. That smile was thought of as life. While you, so carelessly talk about your happiness above my admiration. Maybe until now you never knew that I kept my hopes after your presence.

When we clasped our hands at that time, it was inevitable how happy I was. Let you imagine how hard it is for me to come to terms with my love and hate that constantly blames me. Nothing in my thoughts about you can be defined. But I never cared because all I knew was to love you and try to please you.

Now maybe everything means nothing to you. Even to repeat the admiring story as it used to be feels like your heart is not called anymore. I feel comfortable when I'm secretly amazed. You know what? If I had gone one step ahead, I don't know what our world would look like.

However, suddenly everything changed. A bright and cheerful face seemed to become tired, lethargic, limp, and confused. You thought I was the cause of all your misfortune over the calamity of the day. I don't know what you think? I you blame. Your family hates me. My social media was blocked. What can I do to be able to confirm whether you are okay? Just asking about the news is difficult.

Had you not told me to come quickly, maybe I could still breathe a sigh of relief, maybe I could still be a secret admirer, worshipping in prayer secretly. The word "sorry" from you is your accusation. Those apologetic words seemed to crush my joints. At that time my soul and body were suspended animation.

Somehow at that time I was trying to cover up all the stinging of this thorn you plugged into my chest. Maybe it's because of my misfortune, that you have to rush to a decision and leave me alone. There is no friendship. No laughter. But, believe me, I can't help you in dealing with your bad luck problems at that time.

I used to make vows and ask God Almighty to fight for my sense of silence despite many differences, indeterminate obstacles. But your determination and affection are no thinner than white paper without ink scribbles that brought me to my knees and conquered with your decision to end our relationship. After our separation I was like an old town showered with storms. There are no inhabitants in the heart. It's like a radio battery that is rusty and no longer working. You really don't care anymore about the fragments of my feelings. Ah... Perhaps this is a curse for my mistake for daring to take a step forward to reach you.

If I could ask, what was my fault? Didn't you make room for me to be able to dock early? That's where my hatred for you is. I am so happy to welcome your arrival for the second time, not a few of you give me very deep sorrow. In fact, I gave up my time to be with you even though I had to leave all my routines in various organizations at that time. With weariness and fatigue eating away at my body. Though it's not your smile and apology that I need. But independence from my admiration. It's appropriate for me to change attitude to you. Dull, ignorant, and very stupid faces with all about us. I thank you enough for your time and sacrifice for our meeting. Even if it's only temporary.

Instead of me having to look at all your sad faces and the obscure chatter on social media, it's better not to come to this old city anymore. It's a waste of time.

At that time I no longer expected our meeting. When God tells us to meet we have gone down our own path. It's all up to you, I don't care anymore. No more stories about secret admirers. No more scribbling beautiful poems about us. No more gazes representing everything. Your unconditional departure seems to be the answer that you are an unethical woman who is afraid to keep me. Of course now you are happy there, with your lover. By God I don't want the relationship between us in this world to turn into hostility in the doomsday. Now I am sincere and have forgiven you. Because, I Love You with My Heart. All that's left is me. The man who was presented with loneliness from time to time until finally I would be a man who would not find out what real love is.

Thank you to you for giving color to my life. But, know your arrival at that time was the last memory along my journey in this old town.

."$$$".

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