I put my ashes in a time capsule a couple towns over. Twenty years from now, it will be opened. The spectators' curiosity will certainly lead to a DNA test of some kind. In their records they'll find my name, Olivia Green. I'll finally be declared legally dead, murdered, or so they'll assume. I will finally be able to live a life untethered to this world, to its responsibilities..
I've spent years dreaming of that kind of release, I suppose that's why they call it "longing".. When that train comes today I won't be waiting idly by admiring the graffiti.. Last stop, anywhere.
I figure I can spend the next ten, maybe fifteen years just traveling, anywhere they don't already know my name. After that, even my family will see me as a ghost. They may mourn, they may seek vengeance, but they won't find me, but I hope they find some sort of closure, or at least something resembling it.
I know it's selfish, but I think I deserve to be. I've spent the past eight years of my life completely dedicated to my family, my husband, and our sons, but sometimes dedication feels more like enslavement..
As I write this, my husband is picking our sons up from their elementary school. I've written him a note that I plan on putting on our kitchen counter, it says simply, "We needed milk, be back soon. Love You." He's a great father, Jonah, and a great husband. That's why I have to go through this ruse. Why I had to chop off my own hand, and also why I had to incinerate it out back in our fire pit. The reason I plan to make a 911 call, informing the dispatcher that I've been kidnapped, when in reality I'd already be an hour outside of town on a train to nowhere.
I can't let Jonah know I chose to leave him and our boys, it would devastate him. But if he believed I was dead, he could make it through that, he's a holy man, he would chalk it up to "God's plan", and in a way maybe this still was God's plan..
I haven't packed a bag, that would make my plan pretty obvious. All I plan on taking with me is this journal, my purse, and the outfit that I'm currently wearing, a white t-shirt and jeans. My husband saw me earlier this morning wearing my blue dress, the one with sunflowers all over it. It's his favorite so he'll remember, that's what people will be on the lookout for when the search for me begins. By that time I'll be blending in hours from here, nobody will notice me, and nobody will find me.
I can't use my credit cards and risk being tracked down, but I have a couple hundred dollars that I've saved for today, it should get me through until I can find work wherever I end up. I do plan, however, on making one stop, just outside of town, the Mullwood Cemetery. It's where my mother is buried, I have to see her one last time, I may never have the chance again. Maybe if I'm lucky twenty years from now they'll bury my ashes beside her. "Olivia Green, Beloved Mother and Wife,1988-?"
As I've already said, I don't have a clue where I'll end up. Maybe somewhere near the ocean, I've never been surfing before.. Or maybe somewhere cold, really cold, blizzards in July cold.. Or eventually, when they stop looking for me, I'll visit another country. Ireland, or France, or maybe India, I've always wanted to see the Taj Mahal in person..
I have no clue, but every option is on the table, it's been a long time since I've felt like I have a choice. That's what I have now, a choice, freedom, all I have to do is walk out the door. I want it so badly, so why does this office chair feel like an anchor? Probably the same reason the pictures on my desk are face down, pictures of the family I'll soon abandon. The family I love with all my heart, but not more than I love myself.. I don't deserve them, they'll be better off without me.
If I stay I know what will happen, I'll go crazy, like my mother did. I'll make my problems their problems. I'll hurt the people I care about. I'll drink myself to death and I'll see the look in my boy's eyes as they slowly watch their mother spiral out of control and wonder why they aren't enough. They don't deserve that, I have to go.
There father will take good care of them, he always has. He would help them get through the loss of their mother, help them make some sense of this chaotic world. He'll be a light for them in the darkness of loss and confusion.
After some time, I hope Jonah finds the strength to move on, to give his love to someone who will give it back better than I ever could. I pray that the boys get a new mother, one who can do what I no longer can, and I pray that she isn't as selfish as I am. I need to believe that their lives will be better, or I won't stand up from this chair, I won't leave.
One day, somehow, maybe I'll get word of them having kids, or getting married. And maybe in that moment it'll hit me, I'll realize what I've given up. I'll wallow in self pity at the thought that I'll die alone when I didn't have to, I'll fall asleep every night with their faces in my dreams, and I'll awaken empty, a shell-of-a-woman who ran away from a good life in search for something that didn't exist.
Then again maybe I will find what I'm looking for. One day I could find it out there in the unknown, on a beach, or a mountain, or another country, I could find myself. No one will ever read this, I guess I'm writing it to try and justify my actions in my own eyes, to trick myself into thinking I'm not a horrible mother, a horrible wife, a horrible person.. And subconsciously perhaps, I'm writing it to convince myself to stay, but as I look down at the cauterized stump where my hand used to be I realize that line has been crossed, now is the time. I'll take one last look at the pictures on my desk, and then I'll leave, I have a train to catch..
Benefits of Rapid Prototyping for Different Industries
By Shalini M It requires a lot of hard work to run the business of prototyping and manufacturing. Apart from the hard work, it costs a lot of money and time to create prototypes of products. Therefore, you need to spend a lot of resources in order to get the job done based on the require... Readmore
Benefits of Rapid Prototyping and 3D Printers
By Shalini M In the world of manufacturing, rapid prototyping is of great importance due to its benefits. In fact, it's much more important in some industries like medical, design and manufacturing. Actually, this approach is quite simple. All you need to do is make prototypes, show them to... Readmore
8 Advantages of Rapid Prototyping for Designers and Engineers
By Shalini M Rapid prototyping uses software programs in order to make physical objects through solid freeform fabrication (SFF). This process helps make a working model of the product in a short period of time. Then this model can be tested to ensure it works fine. After customer feedback,... Readmore
How To Minimize Your ANXIETY?
By Richard Brody While, it is normal, to have certain fears, and anxieties, unless, we learn to minimize the negative impacts, and effects, and handle these, in a healthier manner, we often become, our own, worst enemy! When we minimize the ill - effects of ANXIETY, we normally, become... Readmore
Conventional, Or Alternative Treatment?: 4 Considerations
By Richard Brody Each of us, must decide, for ourselves, how to focus his treatment and health - care emphasis. Should we, prioritize a conventional approach, or an alternative one, or, would we be better off, using a wellness mindset? In the United States, unlike most of the rest of the wo... Readmore
2 Weeks Diet Plan
By Arsanious Ayoub Daoud Statistics show that approximately 45 million Americans go on a diet each year. In fact, most of them make an average of four to six dieting attempts annually. This implies that their first three dieting trials often fail. Ideally, dieting can be a... Readmore
How Hyperhidrosis Is Cured. 3 Tips To Eliminate Excessive Sweating Naturally
By Julian Andres Alzate The first thing to understand is that hyperhidrosis or sweating is a condition in which a person sweats too much and suddenly. People with hyperhidrosis seem to have overactive sweat glands. Excessive sweating affects 5% of the population, and only 40% of the ... Readmore
How to Bring Damaged Hair Back To Life?
By Manojit Chatterjee Hair growth requires proper care and maintenance of the follicles. But to attain this objective, expert assistance is also very necessary. Otherwise, you have to witness constant hair fall which is definitely very irritating and embarrassing. Is your hair becoming dr... Readmore
How to Gain Faster and Thicker Hair Quite Naturally?
By Manojit Chatterjee The discussion on hair growth is steadily rising. Both men and women are eager to maintain long and thick hair on a long-term basis. However, to accomplish this objective, you have to work hard. Hair maintenance is primarily a very demanding task. Dissatisfaction is ob... Readmore
How to Buy Home Fitness Equipment Online in India?
By Priya Kumari For getting a good and perfect healthy body, it was essential for everyone to work out & follow it as a routine every day in order to maintain a good figure & there by it will promote your overall health. Exercising was most essential part because our everyday lifest... Readmore
Comments
Post a Comment
Informations From: Omnipotent